This is a call to all my past resignation, this is a call to all. One thing that's always true, how good it is to see you. Fly along with me I can't quite make it alone, trying to make this life my own. Come on down, we'll take this town tonight, before it turns to dust.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Empty Places
Empty places and lonely hearts
Please tell me dear that this ain't true
I walked a mile away
I'm falling for whatever is new
Days roll by, people stop caring
This i know, it's hard to say
New faces come, old faces go
The only thing that's constant is change
I'd like to sit one night
And gather all my thoughts that've gone astray
Empty places and lonely hearts
Today is different but nothing has changed, yeah
I'm falling far away from you
I'm falling far away from you, yeah
Empty places and lonely hearts
When love is gone what's there to do?
You walked a thousand miles away
And you use your pain to get you through
Days roll by, there's no more sharing
The little things that happened today
New faces come, old faces go
The only thing that's constant is change
I might just sit one night
And gather all my thoughts that've gone astray
Empty places and lonely hearts
Today is different and nothing has changed, yeah
I'm falling far away from you
I'm falling far away from you, yeah
I'm falling far away from you
Vision's blurred and i've lost sight of what's true
-King Pickle
It would take an awfully long post to say everything I've been wanting to say in this grand blog entry that's been formulating and expanding in my head since college started, so in order to summarize I've headed the entry up with this song which has been a sort of theme for what I've been feeling the past few months. Instead of having to sift through paragraphs of me sobbing, just peruse the lyrics and you'll get the idea. It's one of the songs I find comfort and release in because it says what I feel when I can't really say it well myself. (Though I can try.)
I basically feel like I've lost a lot since college started. My feeling of place, my feeling of purpose, and most importantly my friendships all seem so fargone. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, but I don't think so. I know we all still care about each other and what not, but I feel so far from everyone, and I don't know if it's just me or if I really have lost you all. Although I want to get everyone back, I don't even know if I have the strength to go about it. Everything is just foggy and depressing. And I also know that this growing apart may be a natural thing but I'm not handling it well at all. I guess it's a different experience for everyone. Some people have fallen completely into their new lives that I'm not even sure whether or not I should disturb them, or if they'd even want me to. Then there are those who are just taking it a day at a time. Lastly, there are others who are just trying to get by. While I'm primarily in the latter category, I think I have aspects of all three. It's no secret that I feel completely uprooted and I've been trying to fight it, or more accurately ignore it, by diving in head first. My energy has particularly be en going into academics because it's the only tangible thing that I can control in conquer. I don't know my major, I don't know my place, I don't know my purpose, I don't know where everyone is, so I might as well focus on what I can. Sure, I've met new people, but nothing as good as what I had in high school, and I can't seem to attach to anything here with the pain of what I'm missing lingering in my heart. So I tackle academics, taking it day by day and whenever I feel down, which is often, I use my pain to get through. Sigh, but I'm pretty much just trying to survive. I know I need to get myself together. I need to find my character, will, gather my thoughts, get it all back. It's just so hard when you're physically, mentally, spiritual, and emotionally depleted. It really has gotten to me physically too. I'm unhealthy in many ways. So every day I wake up in a life where new faces constantly pop up, some I'd like to have around, but all the faces I love seem to be going further away. One thing that is always constant in life is change, and so I know I couldn't keep high school and I'm not saying I wanted to. I just miss my Bishop Ahr family (That must sound horribly cheesy). And while change is a constant in life, I feel right now I'm at a standstill. I wake up every day, and every day is different and filled with promise, but yet that promise just isn't anywhere near me. My situation remains unchanged and it's taking all me down with it. So yeah, song works out nicely.
There have been a few bright spots shining through though. I miss my Roo horribly, but I got to spend 22 straight hours with her this weekend and that was good times. I just wish I had her here all the time. She makes me happy. :) Another cool thing was an awesome discovery leaving my Space, Place, and Location class on Monday. I'm walking out along with a crowd of a bajillion other students (and this is 9:30am so I'm out of it) and I turn to my right and who's walking right next to me but Ally! I'm like "holy fricking crap." So it turns out we've been in the same class for the past two weeks and haven't even known it. So now I forsee good times listening to our British professor school us in human geography. Heh, and with how many notes we take I forsee some heavy duty study sessions too.
I've been playing far too much Final Fantasy XI. I can't seem to get the rest of my life together, but my digital life in a world populated by thousands of other players is doing quite well. Balazs and Ryan Curran are my adventuring companions and it's good times. Many tales will be told in the coming generations of our exploits. I, Locksley, will soon be a great and renowned ranger. Rocking not only the sword, but amazing bow and arrow skills. Long live Locksley, Corleone, and Dycedarg.
Ahem, moving along to less dorky things, I'm a bassist in a band that's making an EP. Things move along nicely but to what end I do not know. My current state has polluted all parts of my life and I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as I want to. Still, I look forward to see how things develop and regaining my rock n roll soul. I feel like I need to rock a super amazing solo.
I miss everyone. Come back to me. I'll come back to you too. Save me, but first I think I have to save myself. Then, we'll have a Lord of the Rings Extended Edition marathon next Christmas and then all go see Star Wars Episode III in May 2005, where the last of the great sagas, the modern humanities of our time, comes to an end. It's good to have hope. I like stories with so much depth and applicabiltity. There are no preset messages, just general themes and things to apply to your own lives. I find hope in those stories.
That was random. Well, at least my dorkiness is still intact. So ends my first blog entry. Sorry if it's lame. :( Regardless, I want a lot of replies so I feel ::Mr. Spike impression:: like, really gggeeeewwwwdddd about myself. ::end impression:: Rock.
posted by sean at
11:48 PM
